Treasure Island Alternative Version.

[Mary Lindsay]

....and the ghost ships of Class D haunted GGG as they drifted heedless across his bows and melted into the mists like the spirits haunting the Ancient Mariner who famously said:

He prayeth best, who loveth best
All things both great and small;
For the dear God who loveth us,
He made and loveth all.

[john bevan]

As Admiral Ahlers sailed majestically past the frigate of Capn Bevan he stood on the bow and said:

"Carpy Diem"................

[peter rafter]

"Captains Bevan, Mountain and Sumner battled for position. They were overtaken by Capn Glass"

Too many Capns and not enough Indians, or is it too many ...

Decency prevents me postingthe collective noun for Capns.

Any way, Bob. your suspicions that there is something fishy about this saga seem to be well grounded. Personally, I'd rather go in search of doubloons and jewels than a tin of sardines, but i may be over critical and it is sometimes permissable to let the children play and fantazise.

ps. a critic is oft described as someone who never joins battle but who comes down from the hill afterwards to bayonet the wounded

[john bevan]

OK- if too many captains maybe Cabin Boy Jack Sprat McBellinger......

[Bob Bull]

Following the mayhem surrounding the class warriors, and the generally mis organised fishing rights it was decided by the admirablty to appoint a co-ordinator to co-ordinate the unco-ordinated peregrinations of the battling captains. Forthwith the proceedings will be monitored by Wren Katy Cuttlefish, she will take up her duties as soon as time and certain other duties permit.

Until order can be restored all participants are reminded of the rules of this venture .................er, um, oh, fiddle dee de....................

PS; Welcome aboard Petty Officer Raftless.

[Mary Lindsay]

Without further ado the brave treasure hunters set forth in their sturdy wooden sailing ship "The Morgan".
As they sailed past other, lesser, craft there were cries of "My Dad used to drive one of those!", "It's made of wood isn't it?" "Do they still make them?"
The jolly sailers aboard the Morgan waved cheerfully as they hurtled round the end of the harbour wall and were lost to view.

[john bevan]

to encounter a massed fleet of French "Deux Chevaux" clippers that had been travelling for 23 1/2 hours, crewed by the brave Pirate Lindsay.........

[Bob Bull]

.... however, even the swaggering Pirate Lindsay was gobsmacked when her fleet was passed by three swift, lean, rakish craft,( referred to as SLR's in future comments.) the glistening silver model of Mean Jack Embers and his swarthy mistress 'Wheelbrace Kate', alongwith the sinister dark green sister ship of Admiral Ailers, hi-jacked by Bollywood Bollinger, and the blood red version of the Ogres made a chilling sight as they headed for the rich sardine harvest of the South Pacific seas .................! Capitaine Jaques LeVan commander of the froggy fleet ordered "Full sail ahead" (in French of course), and called his crew to; "La action gares" as he attempted to thwart the evil schemes of his Rosbif enemies ....................... to be continued (with a bit of luck)

[Bob Bull]

An aside; If Morgans are made of wood, does anyone know a good carpenter who could assist Mary in her re-build of the good ship Bulldog?

[Tim Hill]

The Royal Navy - on hearing of the impending raid by the pirates of Treasure Island, quickly dispatched their latest warship (HMS Neverbudge) to stave off the attack.

Setting sail from Portsmouth, they sailed deep into the mists of time and were able to ressurect the famous Speedmog Pirates sketch from the 2008 production of Cindarella. So here it is - plagiarised, refreshed, and brought up to date with a new cast of characters...... Except for Able Seaman Rafter who received an Oscar for his previous performance.

CAPTAIN GREENBIT: Order the signal, Rafter.
ABLE SEAMAN RAFTER: Aye, aye Sir
CAPTAIN GREENBIT: Hold on, that's not what I dictated to signal officer Emberson. What's the meaning of this?
ABLE SEAMAN RAFTER: Sorry Sir?
CAPTAIN GREENBIT: (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability". What gobbledygook is this?
ABLE SEAMAN RAFTER: Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, Sir. Handed down by Admiral Ahlers himself. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist. Even Tisdalls Treats, the flapjack importers have been repremanded for improper use of an AGA.
CAPTAIN GREENBIT: Gadzooks, Rafter, Hand me Seaman Higgs’ cigars will you.
ABLE SEAMAN RAFTER: Sorry Sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments. Squeaky Bailey has polished the decks and Skipper Baines has got the Aircon working at last.
CAPTAIN GREENBIT: In that case, break open the rations in Cider Dave’s locker. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle.
ABLE SEAMAN RAFTER: The cider ration has been abolished, Cap'n. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking.
CAPTAIN GREENBIT: Good heavens, Rafter. I suppose we'd better get on with it... Full speed ahead!
ABLE SEAMAN RAFTER: I think you'll find that there's a four knot speed limit in this stretch of water.
CAPTAIN GREENBIT: Damn it man! We are on the cusp of the greatest pantomime in Brakehorsepower history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's-nest please.
ABLE SEAMAN RAFTER: That won't be possible, Sir.
CAPTAIN GREENBIT: What?
ABLE SEAMAN RAFTER: Health and Safety have closed the crow's-nest, Sir. No harness, and they said the rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. It's all too "Dangerous Dave". They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected. Spanners Gateson is working on it right now...
CAPTAIN GREENBIT: Then get me the ship’s carpenter without delay, -whats his name, um Basher Harrison.
ABLE SEAMAN RAFTER: He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo’sc’le, Sir.
CAPTAIN GREENBIT: Wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle? I’ve never heard anything so absurd.
ABLE SEAMAN RAFTER: Health and Safety again, Sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.
CAPTAIN GREENBIT: Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the words. I didn't rise to the rank of Captain by playing the disability card.
ABLE SEAMAN RAFTER: Actually, Sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.
CAPTAIN GREENBIT: Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.
ABLE SEAMAN RAFTER: A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and Safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?
CAPTAIN GREENBIT: I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.
ABLE SEAMAN RAFTER: The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Captain.
CAPTAIN GREENBIT: What? This is mutiny!
ABLE SEAMAN RAFTER: It's not that, Sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board – Maddog Henry and Wizzer Williams, they is watching everyone like hawks.
CAPTAIN GREENBIT: Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish with their funny cars ?
ABLE SEAMAN RAFTER: Actually, Sir, we're not.
CAPTAIN GREENBIT: We're not?
ABLE SEAMAN RAFTER: No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.
CAPTAIN GREENBIT: But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.
ABLE SEAMAN RAFTER: I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator, ole Leggy Lindsay hear you saying that, Sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary
CAPTAIN GREENBIT: We must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of our King.
ABLE SEAMAN RAFTER: Not any more, Sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest - it's the rules. It could save your life.
CAPTAIN GREENBIT: Don't tell me health and safety. Whatever happened to cider, sodomy and the lash?
ABLE SEAMAN RAFTER: As I explained, Sir, cider is off the menu. And there's a ban on corporal punishment.
CAPTAIN GREENBIT: What about sodomy?
ABLE SEAMAN RAFTER: Er, I believe that's now legal, Sir.
CAPTAIN GREENBIT: In that case ... Kiss me, Rafter.

[Bob Bull]

The scene that followed is too horrendous to contemplate. Kissing Seaman Rafter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Make smoke! Make smoke" came the cry, and Leading Seaman Sunshine Higgs was called to the focsle, where, with a huge Havana created a massive plume of thick, black, but fragrant smoke, completlely blocking out the ensuing liasion, between consenting adults.

Well this is a family show with mere children and Morgan drivers viewing it.

[peter rafter]

Infamy!! Those pesky exiles from the that antipodean penal colony have it informe !!
I fear I am in danger of becoming typecast.
3 years on and still only able?
O woe is me!
I am minded to consult my Legal Eagles-- Sueit, Grabbit and Run-- for a precise interpretation on the technical term "consenting".
This whole farago may hinder my exhaustive search to find a moral. christian or ethical content in the current disjointed christmas pantomine, which resembles the ramblings of a certain Count Arthur Strong.
In the meantime I may have to limit my contribution to "he is behind you".

[Bob Bull]

God Bless You, Peter.

I for one am convinced that the scurrilous post from the Penal Colony is a total fabrication, designed to spread discord amongst the honest, decent ciitizens of our fair land. Mind you I'm not sure about Sheffield!

To Hill with the outbackers says I.

[jack bellinger]

Cant keep up with you lot ..I I think youve all gone overboard.....

[Bob Bull]

Cant keep up with you lot

Much like your on track performance then Jack?