2009 Panto - Jack and the Bobstalk

[Bob Bull]

....... the Ogre Gan's and their neighbours the Ogresons, had been living on a diet of beans for so long that the rather wanted a change of fare, hearing the unmistakable sound of the menfolk returning, the ladies endeavoured to keep the two tasty morsels engaged in polite conversation until Si and Jon arrived home. "Why what nice eyes you have got!" Said Kate. "And what nice legs you have got!" Said Cat. "Why you must both stay for supper we have something special planned."


A Tasty Morsel

Little Billy's eyes grew wide with hunger. "Let's stay Dad, I'm starving I could eat a horse, even a pantomime one."

But Dad Jack was a wise old bird he could see the knives being sharpened, and thought to himself ........................!

[jack bellinger]

Who,s a Pretty Boy Then !!! (gets that frm his dear old dad)

jack

[Bob Bull]

Who,s a Pretty Boy Then !!! (gets that frm his dear old dad)

jack

"Who would that be then Jack?" Enquired Mrs Ogreson, "I don't see any family resemblance"



The elder Bellringer looked askance at the Ogre Lady. "Yeah! Well I'm goin 'ome to have a word wif the Other 'alf, see how she likes yer smart 'rr's remarks.
We'll soon see who larfs last then. Yer for it yer wickid Ol' Troll!!!"

" I'm not scared." replied Cat Ogre. "We could do with some new characters in this story, even your good lady would be welcome to join in"

..............................

[Bob Bull]

Where are they all?

Is it the credit crunch?

Has the PBR sent them all abroad to tax havens?

Or ...........................?

[jack bellinger]

Well Bob you even sent Kelvin to sleep then !! or is he just laying an egg..

[Mary Lindsay]

Well just because they are all a lot of killjoys doesn't mean that we have to be.
Let us proceed with the story.

At that moment a well known environmentalist A.N.De Green appeared.
"Hold on! " quoth he, "there must be a drivers' meeting going on somewhere, this would account for the sad lack of panto characters. Once they have all sorted out their tyre regulations and other trivia they will all come hurrying along to join in. Those Class D people just don't care what the regs say and they have obviously left the meeting early."

"Never mind about that!" bellowed the ogre, "what about my lunch?"
"Sorry" said Mr. Green, "until we have resolved the issues with your car you must leave it in parc ferme."
With that the ogre strode towards A.N.de Green ......

[Bob Bull]

(Mary, let us cease castigating those lesser mortals who are either incapable or unwilling to enter into the festive spirit. I note that our audience continues to swell indicating that they do at least, appreciate our efforts, so with the help of Jack and Tim, I suggest we crack on. I'm game if you are)

........... A. N. De Green seeing the Ogre intended him no good made a dash for his 200BDH (BrakeDonkeyPower) plank intending to make good his getaway, unfortunately he was low on carrots and was rather slow off the mark as a consequence, allowing the fearsome Si Ogre Bann to get a firm grip on the rollmeover bar.
"What's all this about a drovers meeting then" He roared. "I still have not had my lunch!"

Quick as a flash the resourceful Green produced a gold edged invitation to dinner at the Leatherette bottle in Lewkwarm.

"Here he said". Thrusting the card into Si's mighty hand. "You will find plenty of plump and tender fodder at this venue, and it is all free, just ask for Jonty Clock he's your man."

So it was, that some time later the entire Ogre/Ogreson clan made their way towards the sleazy dive, where all unsuspecting, a merry throng of drovers had gathered. Numbered amongst the far from august company were Merk Scissors, Rich Seedling and Old McDonald sadly Nathon and Clearasil Dashtoff were busy getting hitched and thus avoided the rest of this scene.

Suddenly the door of the shabeen crashed open and their stood ..........................

[Mary Lindsay]

Suddenly the door of the shabeen crashed open and their stood .....

.... Raging Bull, the scourge of the neighbourhood. "Wot are you lot doin' 'ere' in me local?" he screamed hysterically?
The Ogre produced the gilt edged invitation given him by A.N. De Green:
"I've been invited you oaf" he roared.
"Oh no you haven't!" the assembled company unwisely shouted.
At this the Ogre was so enraged that he....

[Bob Bull]

At this the Ogre was so enraged that he.... picked up the table with all of the drovers drinks on it and tossed it through the window where it landed on a passing Adder being driven by Tony Baloney. "Well dash it all" exclaimed the startled Baloney and promptly swerved into the nearest brick wall, splintering his aged cart quite badly.
Owner of the wall, Mr Ladlelow, peered through his front door and surveyed the shattered remnants of his wall. "There goes my claims free insurance record." he gurgled.
"What abaht my no claims bonus?. Said the unfortunate Adder drover. "I reckon I'm going to have to go into that shabby hostelry and sort out the clown who hurled that table out onto the public highway without a care for the innocent passer by"

Little did he know that the culprit was a fearsome fifteen foot Ogre, and that the drovers, deprived of their liquor by the Ogre, had set about the monster with a vengeance.

With a swagger like John Wayne striding into a saloon, and with arms akimbo he marched through the shattered doorway to be confronted by .............

[jack bellinger]

Confroned by the Ogre...the Fearless Dr Laidlower stood his ground " Who slung that table out the winda which caused Tony Balony ( who was probably in all truth looking at some sort of dribble on the internet) Smash up my wall "
The OGRE stood as tall as he could and with a bellowing ROAR ...
Started ...FEE FI FO FUMMING... But the Fearless Dr Laidlower calmly looked up ..and with the accuracy ..speed and confidence then is only given to the Medical profession with his extremely adept Right hand just replied "COUGH"..
The great OGRE...

[Bob Bull]

his extremely adept Right hand just replied "COUGH"..
The great OGRE...

I'll leave this one to you Mary...............

[Mary Lindsay]

I'll leave this one to you Mary...............

Pass...

[jack bellinger]

I thought a least I,d have got a reply from Down under

[Bob Bull]

OK! Mary I'll handle this one, (if you will pardon the expression)

his extremely adept Right hand just replied "COUGH"..

"Why Doc Duckie" exclaimed Mrs Ogre, "you are naughtie, whatever would my husband say? He is a very jealous man you know."

Just for a moment the Duc looked non plussed, but quickly recovering his poise he replied. "Madam, if you will let go of my hand I shall remove it from your person instantly."

Mrs. Ogre, merely tightened her grip and with a lascivious grin said "..........

Fortunately, just as the moderator was reaching for the censorship button, the scene changed to .....

.... a decrepit shed somewwhere in Worstevershire. In the shed a gang of wizened gnomes were busy sawing up planks of wood and hammering them together with six inch nails, watched over by a bearded gentleman in a bright red suit. "HO! HO! HO! he chortled, someone will be very happy on Christmas morning when they find the first ever Mogplank Motorcar in their sock."

But who will be the lucky recipient of the original Mogplank*........!

*Pictured below.

[jack bellinger]

Bob when did the Ogre change sex ?