brakehorsepower.net

I agree Bob, there seems to be a distinct lack of festive cheer and good will, I might even suggest apathy.

Come on all of you, you are normally very good at telling stories...

Bob Bull wrote: and even some of their contributions are terse to a point."

.

A least we can't say your contribution was pointless Tony!

Despite requests, pleas and even threats, I cannot help but that notice the a number of members have logged onto the site and added items to other subjects.
Yeah! Mark, Chris, Jonathon, Mark 2, Katy, Leigh, John C., Dave! Why not append something to Tim's production while you are here?
Come on guys help us out, it is all free and as you can see from the number of people who have viewed the proceedings, it is popular!

Otherwise when you next turn up you might find that the producer has put aup a sign; Cancelled due to lack of support.

You cant end it all now !!!

We havent had any FEE FI FO FUMS ( someone has to have a rhyme with that)

jack

I know many members who really can talk, but on beans and such we get not a squawk.
we rely almost alone on poor Bob, Mary and Jack, of others there is a very sad lack.
Not a Fe, not a Fi, no fo fums, I consider them all to be low down ......

We left Jack and Billy lost up the beanstalk, and hungry with it. The Ogresons were astir and it would be wise of the hapless duo to scarper ASAP, however, looming on the horizon they could see Ali Baba and his Forty Lees (envisage, if you will Barry Sumner in a kimono and the Baines clan in garish leotards), Dick Whittington (Katy T in a fetching pair of tights, perhaps) and his cat (imagine a furry Phillip Tisdall), Mother Goose (Peter Rafter with feathers springs to mind), Peter Pan (Somewhat like Jonathon Rushton in Katie's spare nylons), Cinderella (Can you see Chris Acklam in drag?), the Three Ugly Sisters (Say, Shears, Hoble, and Knight with make up), Snow White (In my mind's eye I see Andrewp wearing a ball gown), and Hansel & Gretel (Surely Brian and Tracy Gatesopen would epitomise the pair?).

"Cor Blmey!" Exclaimed Little Billy, " Wot doo yer fink Dad, should we take it on our toes before this bunch of wierdos get 'ere?"

"Crikey Son." Jack spluttered. "You ain't as dumb as yer muvver says, git yer rr's in gear, and leggit for the 'stalk, I doan fancy the look of 'em atall."

Stopping only to snatch up his bag of beans Little Bill headed for the exit, Dad close on his heels, but puffing somewhat as he was not as fit as he used to be when he won the It's a Knockout finals in 1948.

I wonder what happened next?

Suffering from audience apathy and the absence of a full cast of players, the sad band of troubadours picked up their bag of beans and walked slowly and sadly into the sunset....
Their wan voices could just be heard saying "We wish you all a Merry Christmas"

Well to stir up some enthusiasm for this post, I'll try and get it back "on track" (again) and perhaps a few more new characters will emerge from the shadows...

Whilst looking for a tin opener for their can of beans, Jack turned to the very tall lady (who is not in any way, shape or form, related to and bares no resemblance to that person who shall remain nameless) and said, "'ere luv, is there anywhere we can 'ide 'till yer fella as 'ad is brekkie?"

"Well, there's always in 't oven, said the very tall lady.

"Last time my missus had a bun in 't oven, look what I got landed wiv," said Jack, pointing at Billy.

"I see your point," said the very tall lady, trying to hide a smile. "Better hide in the cupboard then and wait till he’s asleep. He always has a snooze after breakfast."

Well, the Ogre Gann had his breakfast, and after that he goes to a big chest and takes out of it a couple of bags of gold, and sits down counting them till at last his head began to nod and he began to snore till the whole house shook again.

Then Jack and Billy crept out on tiptoe from the cupboard. As he was passing the ogre, Billy took one of the bags of gold under his arm and made for the doorway. As soon as they were outside, Jack and Billy scarpered back along the road in the direction of the beanstalk as fast as their little legs could carry them. Billy raced ahead as he was a bit younger and a bit fitter than poor old Jack - who's plates of meat were killing him. Just as they reached the top of the beanstalk, there was a roar in the distance.

Fee-fi-fo-fum,
I smell the blood of an Englishman,
Be he alive, or be he dead,
I’ll have his bones to grind my bread:

"Did you hear that dad?" said Billy.

"Cor blimey mate, I certainly did me old mukka" said Jack, "and if I'm not gettin' mutton jeff, i'm sure he said:"

Fee-fi-fo-fum
I smell the oil of a V8 Mog
Be it Keith’s or be it Phil’s
Those engines come with great big Bills

"Maybe this isn't such a bad place after all. Per'aps you and me son could earn a few bob up 'ere. We could set up a business like....."

"No dad," said Billy, "The Ogre Gann wants to eat us."

"Oh bother," said Jack (or somthing similar). "Better get down this Beanstalk a bit quick like"

So Billy threw down the bag of gold, which, of course, fell into his mother’s garden, and then they both climbed down and climbed down till at last they got home and Billy told his mother all about their adventures and showed her the gold and said: "Well, mother, wasn’t I right about the beans? They are really magical, you see."

So they lived on the bag of gold for some time, but at last they came to the end of that so Jack and Billy made up their minds to try their luck once more up at the top of the beanstalk. So one fine morning they rose up early, and got on to the beanstalk, and they climbed and they climbed and they climbed and they climbed and they climbed and they climbed till at last they got on the road again and came the great big tall house they had been to before. This time there was an SLR sitting in the driveway, and sure enough, the great tall woman was-a-standing on the doorstep.

"Good morning, mum," says Jack, as bold as brass, "could you be so good as to give me something to eat?"

To be continued......

Tim,
There is no point in beating a deceased equine!

We did our best,

Wishing you and the family a Happy and a Blessed Christmas.

Bob.

Oh dear - the panto is dead, deceased, a non-panto

Oh dear - the panto is dead, deceased, a non-panto

Sorry children, you have only yourselves to blame. [-X

And so the lights slowly fade on the panto, the curtains close and the theatre grows chill.

Suddenly, a single spotlight illuminates a cross marked on the stage and into its beam shuffles a solitary figure.

Drumroll.................................

"Ladies and Gentlemen. Fresh from her sellout performance at the SpeedMog Drivers Dinner, and with the full blessing of Derbyshire County Council, Perverts at their Peak present the one and only Miss Veronica Squeeze and her Snake - Bertie the Boa."

Over to the Speedmoggers to explain this one ..........[-o<

Thanks to Mary, Bob, Jack, Tony and others for your contributions. Great Pom / Kiwi team play.......

We both wish you all a Merry Merry Xmas and a Happy New 2010 (we'll think of you all shivvering in the cold while we top up our tans...)

Tim (and Jane)

Why?

OK chaps, here we are back at the panto, this is a family show so no smut please [-X

Cue drumroll and fanfare of trumpets.
Welcome back everyone to the Christmas panto, we are pleased to announce that the technical issues causing the temporary break in the production have now been resolved.

You will recall that Jack and Billy had climbed back to the top of the beanstalk to be confronted by a tall woman and they asked her for some food.

Looking towards the SLR parked in the driveway, Jack conversationally said:
"Nice MG you got there lady, how many cylinders has it got?"
" Four" she replied testily "...and no you can't have any food, my husband will be home any moment and he hates nosy strangers."

Just then the ground shook and the unmistakable sound of the Ogre Gann approaching could be heard...