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[quote="TonyLees"]what do you call a man with a car parked on his head?

jack!

A very uplifting contribution from the very dregs of a tea cup, or is it a beer barrel?

Back to the story line....

Little Bill was a wise and sagacious young man, and he knew that his old cow was not worth a Tim of beans, and foreseeing a quick profit readily swapped his ancient herbivorous, quadruped for the nutricious, edible vegetables on offer from the kindly old man.
"Why! even Dick Whittington could not have got as much for his feline companion as I have for my domestic animal." He enthused. "Now as soon as I find that nice Herr Heinz, I shall be rolling in the clover, and my father will have to acknowledge that he did not raise an idiot after all."

Little Bill was now in a position to purchase a more appropriate means of transport for his peregrinations. He decided that he would need to prepare his new steed thoroughly, but where to seek expert advice? Should he try the Windy Ridge establishment, or someone who had the right techniques, any mistake might well turn out to be a thorne in his side .......................much thought must be put into the decision........ getting it wrong would cause a right bull and cow with Daddy Jack. (to be continued)

A wise owl sitting on the roof top called out:
"But wait, Little Billy! You have not made your fortune yet, don't rush into buying some old-fashioned, outdated sports car with suspension like a plank of wood."
"First you must plant the beans and see your investment grow so that some fat account manager somewhere can help himself to your good fortune."
"Not me, my friend," said Billy "I am going to take advice from my wise father Jack, or at least I will see if he can lend me a fiver until my next pay cheque."
He hurried back to Barnet (as the sat nav always directed him to home even if he wanted to go to Malvern).
"Hello Dad, can you lend me a fiver? I'll let you have these magic beans for it!"
"Ask your Mother" said Jack who had his head buried in the works of a gearbox on the kitchen table.

"Mum do yer want to buy some beans " said lil bill .. "on yer bike " said Sally " there,s us skint and you get conned by an old bloke on a bike .. Just like the Pea Brain who got conned with clogging up London traffic with Bike Lanes " " WACK" take that now got to bed"
said his loving mother..
So off went lil bill to bed(with an even bigger red Ear.. put the beans under his pillow with his others bits !!!!(where sally would never dare to go)....................

jack

When everyone in the house was asleep, Little Billy crept downstairs with his magic beans and put them on the table while he put on his outdoor coat, just as his loving Mother Sally had told him to, in case he caught a cold.

Meanwhile Jack decided that he was very thirsty and so he too crept downstairs to find himself a nice cold can of beer from the fridge. As he was quaffing his ale (for Jack is a very traditional man and quaffing ale comes naturally to him) he noticed the beans on the table. "That's odd" he said to himself, "they look just like the beans my daft son came home with today." He helpfully dropped them into a flower pot on the window sill and wandered back to bed.

SCENE TWO.

A motley bunch of shifters dash on to the stage to prepare the backdrop for the next cameo.

Scene; A cold and bleak expanse of concrete somewhere in Middle England, an illegal market is in progress with a number of decidedly dodgy characters manning makeshift stalls offering a variety of cows and beans of dubious quality and even more dubious provenance.

Little Bill wanders in Stage Left, he sees a puckish, elderley man who appears to be fast asleep with his wares on full display on a rickety paste table beside him.



One look at the gently snoring figure and Bill thinks to himself. "What would my Dad do now, I wonder? Would he help himself to anything that took his fancy and beetle off before the bloke woke up? Well of course he would while Mum would probably rifle his pockets as well, a proper cockney family they are."

Then he remembered the events of the previous morning when Dad Jack roused from his pit by the sound of thunder, found that his magic beans had grown into a towering beanstalk. (played with great aplomb by Mark Shears)
The shock had turned Jack's face puce and Sally had instantly reached for her rolling pin, at which point Bill decided to make himself scarce as he was sure to get the blame.

Now confronted by the glittering array of items Little Bill fingered the beans in his pocket and thought to himself .................... To be continued, hopefully by a few new characters.

Now confronted by the glittering array of items Little Bill fingered the beans in his pocket and thought to himself ..................

..."Gosh I feel really sleepy" and before he knew it a magic spell had also been cast upon him and his Daddy, Jack, and they fell fast asleep.



Meanwhile the beanstalk towered above them in the clouds and it began to rain.

When Jack and Billy woke up, the pit garage looked strange. The sun was shining into part of it, and yet all the rest was quite dark and shady. After stepping over the pile of tyres that Andy "Yoko" Green and Tony "Hoosier" Lees were trying to sell, they realised what the problem was. They looked out onto the pitlane and saw a giant beanstalk which went up and up and up till it reached the sky.

The beanstalk grew up quite close to the BRDC Building, so all they had to do was to open a window and jump onto the beanstalk which ran up just like a big ladder. So Jack and Billy climbed, and they climbed, and they climbed, and they climbed, and they climbed, and they climbed, and they climbed till at last they reached the sky. And when they got there they found a long broad road going as straight as a dart. So they walked along, and they walked along, and they walked along till they came to a great big tall house, and on the doorstep there was a great big tall woman. (Played by “Big Ron” Emberson).

“Good morning, ma’am,” says Jack, quite polite-like. “Could you be so kind as to give us breakfast for we is as hungry as hunters.”

“It’s breakfast you want, is it?” says the great big tall woman. “It’s breakfast you’ll be if you don’t move off from here. My man John is an ogre and there’s nothing he likes better than boys broiled on toast. You’d better be moving on or he’ll be coming.”

To be continued now that we are back on the right track......

Tim Hill wrote:Played by “Big Ron” Emberson).

Tim,
I am sorry to have to inform you that following her appearance in last season' s Panto (where she performed the sensually provocative 'Dance of the Seven Ex-Army Blankets', (with great aplomb I might add) John 'Ogre' Emberson specifically advised that his charming and talented other half should not become embroiled in any 2009 offering on this site. I have kept this stricture in mind and would never have given rise to any mention that may have lead to 'court proceedings' being started by an enraged Johnny Embers. My advice would be to issue a full apology for your inadvertent casting error, and hope that sufficed to assuage the wrath of Mr E, failing that I would recommend engaging the services of one, Jonathon Rushton, a Legal Eagle who is well versed in litigation concerning defamation of character and similar crimes. Sending him a picture of his Championship winning drive at the HSCC Finals Meeting would probably be deemed as satisfactory payment for his services, however, should you be tempted to imagine that the Antipodes, being so far removed from rural Hertfordshire, you could safely ignore any threatened retribution, be advised! The Harpenden Mafia have a long reach, be afraid, be very afraid. Hell hath no fury like a woman mistakenly cast in a Pantomime.

Best of luck,

Bob.

It should be noted by third parties that Robert Francis Bull bears no responsibility for characterisations included in other person's posts on this site

The story continues..........................

'Dance of the Seven Ex-Army Blankets',

I thought that Eccles did that in one of the Goon Shows? Maybe that is where this story is leading...

Anyway, Jack and Billy were not to be denied their breakfast, for although they had filled their pockets with food from the pit at Silverstone (kindly furnished by Katie Ogre-Ban), they were still very hungry. Luckily, at that moment Si Ogre-Ban appeared with a big silver plate (he won it you know) laden with sandwiches of every description.
"Careful Bill" said Jack, for he had heard of magical food which can make you very ill (he has eaten some you know) "Let me try it first"
Before Bill could stop him he had devoured all of the sandwiches on the plate....

Mary Lindsay wrote:I thought that Eccles did that in one of the Goon Shows? Maybe that is where this story is leading...

Ah!
Despite being so far from her cottage in the Essex Woods the Speedy Witch of the West swept in to view aboard a bright red broomstick with a pugnacious visaged dog clinging desperately to the end. The dog wore an ancient Wax Jacket that had clearly seen many years of service.

"That Kindly Old Gentleman who had originally swapped Littl' Bill for the cow with a handful of magic beans, is plagiarising the Goon Show." She cried. "I remember listening to the show with my grandchildren some fifty odd years ago." So betraying her great age.

Much to her chagrin the Gentleman replied. " Oh! Yes. My mother used to tell me about the Goons, but they were way before my time."

Suddenly the thunderous voice of the Giant shattered the still air.

"Beware the thrice damned mortal who dares to involve my wife in bawdy Pantomime. He shall not go unpunished for his transgressions ...... my wrath can reach far and mercy is unknown to me. It would have been better if he had never owned a Morgan than to suffer the fate I have in store for him ..........

To be continued by better men (or ladies) than me.

Meanwhile, in order to stimulate the imagination of would be contributors I leave you with this stirring image.

I quite agree Jim, I am beginning to think that our Bob is a bit pervy.

Anyway, back to the story...

The Giant, having remembered the techniques learned at his anger management classes, took some deep breaths, thought some calm thoughts, and then punched the Old Gentleman on the nose before he and the Speedy Witch of the West and her two pugnacious visaged dogs (at first he hadn't noticed the second one riding pillion) into the dark and forbidding castle for a nice cup of tea and some fairy cakes.



Meanwhile Jack and Little Billy stayed outside trying to plan a way to get into the castle. No that isn't them in the photograph, that's the two... - oh never mind.

Well known reporter, Hack Journo had arrived on the scene to investigate the Magic Beanstalk Story sensing a major scoop for his Scandals Daily paper.
Arriving at the foot of the stalk he came across a rather weary looking Aunt Lindy. "Lindy Dear" He said "This Panto seems to have gone to the dogs just recently."
"Ah!" She replied. "I blame that chap Bob Bull, he has started to post some very dubious material on the site claiming to be checking out a report of illegal striptease artists operating in the area, he has inserted a very unsavoury picture where mere children might view it. He says he only did it to try and get to the bottom of things, but in my opinion it is all 'pants'.

"My dear" Said Hack. "if you don't mind me saying so, you are looking rather tired, are you working too hard?

"Well I must admit, that I do rather seem to be carrying the main burden of this Pantomime on my shoulders, and apart from that Bob chap most of the Mogonian community are not pulling their weight. Taskmaster Tim has set a target of over 200 replies yet to date only five other Moggos have added anything atall, and even some of their contributions are terse to a point."

"I can see what you are on about" Said Hack. "Only six Moggers can be bothered to help poor old Tim to reach his target. Really it is disgracefull, particularly when you consider the number of people who have viewed the subject! All content to enjoy your witty banter, but unwilling to shake the dust off their keyboards and add pearls of wisdom and humour of their own"

"Indeed" She muttered. "But what can you do? Let's face it there are no cows to fettle at this time of year, so they have no excuse. Too busy planning to stuff their faces at some dingy tavern I expect."

A determined look came over Hack's face. "This calls for drastic action." He snapped. "A programme of Naming and Shaming is called for, probably accompanied by suitable photographic evidence. I will start trawling my files for material that will make a few faces turn red, alright."

Back up the beanstalk the Bellringers were stirring from their torpor, and as always started to thnk about eating. "What's fer brekfust Dad?" Asked Little Bill.
"Beans" Retorted Jack. "Except you forgot to bring the tin opener, you stupid boy!"
Billy instantly replied ..................................... (to be continued OR ELSE!)