2009 Panto - Jack and the Bobstalk

[Tim Hill]

The Antipodean Cousins have returned to the plot (If there ever was one)

For they had just spent a few days foresaking electronic gadgetry and taken a sleigh ride to New Plymouth to view a concert by Flittwood Mick and his entourage. Bob will be relieved to hear that young Mr Flittwood would appear to be in fine fettle and is quite an accomplished bongo player - and much bongoing persisted throughout the evening.

It is with much regret however, that we have to report that Mr Flittwood's sidekick Ms Fox was unavailable for this performance..... Though Bertie the Boa was seen slithering off the side of the stage

We will catch up with the re-opened Panto and pen suitable additions.

Yuletide beckons

[Tim Hill]

The Speedmog Pirates are coming - and they're behind you...

[Bob Bull]

and much bongoing persisted throughout the evening.

Tim,
It is nice to have you back onboard (A hint, perhaps of what is to come?), however what you and Jane get up to in the evening is your own business and this is not the proper place for such revelations. I have heard there may be more suitable sites for sharing THOSE SORT of details.

We await your latest insertion with bated breath.

G'day,

Bob.

[Bob Bull]

Jack,finding himself at a loose end (and you know how uncomfortable that can be) now that Little Bill had set out for foriegn parts aboard his Triumph Mayflower (remember those?), and wife Silly was busy lobbying the local Council to re-name Cat Hill, Cow Hill (a little local knowledge being used here) in honour of Catherine the World's First Ticking Cow, headed, once more for the beanstalk.
Swftly he climbed upwards making full use of his athletic skills to leap from limb to limb with all the agility of a panther, until at last he reached the top and stood one more in the Land of the Giants.

Before he could take stock a voice boomed out. "You're nicked, me old mate, you 'ad better come quiet like, or it 'il be the worse for you."

The startled Jack found himself confronted by a Giant Scuffer looking mightly pleased with himself.

"Wha'd yer mean, nicked? I ain't dun nuffink,constable."

" Oh! No. What about 'stalkin' just for starters eh!?"

"Ooh, am I supposed to 'ave stalked then, there's only you and me 'ere?"

"You just shinned up the BEAN STALK, ain't yer. What's that if it ain't STALKING?"

So the unfortunate Barrow Boy found him self incarcerated in an iron cage with just a pile of straw and a gazunda. The Scuffer started to leave the hapless Cockney alone when Jack spoke up.

"Oi! Ain't I allowed a phone call, it's me rite yer no."

"Ho! Yes you is entitled to a phone call, but phone's ain't been invented yet, so 'ard luck."

" Well tell me Clever Dick, 'ow does you communicate over long distance then? Go on, answer that."

" We is GIANTS of course, we have the loudest voices in the world, don't we?"

"You ain't erd my Sally." Muttered Jack sotto voce (for those without Latin; under his breath, I aim to be educational as well as rude.)

Will poor Jack rot in jail for a spell, existing on a diet of beans, or .....................................?

[philip goddard]

Still trying to keep up with the thread and I am asking why have most of the pictures on the right got a chap with a purple shirt on?

[Mary Lindsay]

I am asking why have most of the pictures on the right got a chap with a purple shirt on?

The pictures could be of you Pilip if you posted lots of instalments to this riveting story.

And now back to the plot.

Our hero Jack is incarcerated in a jail but then decides to instruct a clever legal beagle to extricate him from this tricky situation. He stabs out the numbers on his mobile phone for Chris Wilyhams. Enter the urbane Mr. Wilyhams who proceeds to smooth talk the Giant/Ogre thingy.

"My client was not shinning up a bean stalk" he argued "he was listening to the beans talk"

The Giant/Ogre thingy became confused at this unassailable logic and sat down with a great thump, his brow so deeply furrowed that farmer Jim Puttered-on from Norf Oak was able to sow his winter wheat on giant's forehead.

[Bob Bull]

All the folk in Mogland were cheered when they heard of Jack's release from imprisonment, and gave hearty thanks for the wily ways of his 'brief' and also to the generosity of Merry Linseed who put up bail for the old reprobate.
Freed from his cell Jack was now free to pursue his plan to purloin more of the Giant's beans and, if possible, his Golden Harp, which he intended to give to Silly for Christmas as she had long wanted a chip maker.

Using the considerable skills he had learnt in his son's fettling shop, he quickly fashioned a harp from an old bicycle wheel borrowed from Leaky Seaboat, and with a bit of golden paper from a bar of chocolate transformed it in a reasonable facsimile of the real thing. All he had to do now was to sneak into the Giants pad and swap the two instruments.

He needed to form a cunning plan .......

[Mary Lindsay]

He decided to consult Handme Downes who was a bit of a dab hand at planning things, including teams for 6 hour roulette and 24 hour snail racing.
"I know" said Handme, "Let's disguise you as a parcel and I can pretend to be Postman Pat and deliver you to the Giant's house."
"Sound" said Jack, "That's well wicked."
And so they set about wrapping Jack up in bubble wrap and brown paper.
"Oh," complained Jack "Can't I wear a disguise instead of my regular clothes?"

[Bob Bull]

.............so suitable disguised as a Christmas Parcel, Jack was popped into a mail bag, "My word!" He cried. " I remember sewing this one in Pentonville only last year."

Andme Downs shouldered the heavy burden and staggered up the giants garden path, and with a sigh deposited the sack on the doorstep then rang the bell T'ring, T'ring it went. At once a thunderous voice echoed from within the gloomy castle.

"Fee, Fi, Fo Fum who's that woken up me Mum? I crack his skull and boil his bones, 'cos now I'll have to hear her moans."

The door was flung open, and there stood the Mighty Giant.

"What the Mog do you want?"

"Er' Parcel for Mr Giant"

"Oh goodie, can I open it now?"

"No, no it's a special Christmas suprise, it can't be opened until December 25th."

" Yeah! Right! I'm a very impatient Giant, I hate waiting, I think I'll open it right away, it might be perishable and we would not want it to pass it's sell-by-date, would we?"

"I rather think it well past that date already, but I still feel you should not be too premature in disclosing the contents, it can be very bad luck."
(Well it would be for Jack, he thought.)

Grumbling the Giant, whose name was Chas, agreed to put the parcel aside, and threw it into the cupboard under the stairs.

Later that night Jack extricated himself from the brown paper and string and clucthing his home made harp crept quickly and quitely ...............

[Mary Lindsay]

...to the room where the golden harp was kept. He saw it gleaming in the firelight and hastened towards it, not noticing a sleeping form on the floor.
He tripped over the recumbent elf (for an elf it was children).
"Ouch!" exclaimed the elf.
"Wot the 'ell are you doin' there?" whispered Jack.
"Sleepin, wot did ya fink I wos doin?" the elf said peevishly
"Oo are you anway?" Jack asked equally peevishly.
"My name's Bob, I'm, from Elf and Safety," came the reply.
"Sounds like a lot of bull to me" said jack.
"Exactly," said the elf, "I'm Bob Bull the elf from Elf and Safety."
At that moment.....

[jack bellinger]

after Jack picked him up by them big ears and stuck him in the larder with a sign on him saying free range Elf food he then turned and looked into the large Mirror on the wall . He just had to stop... the sight of all that bubble wrap reminded him of an evening not so long ago ( 74days 16hours 13mins to be exact) ..As he adjusted the Bubble wrap ,he thought to himself That Orges wife will have no chance ,,she,ll be be putty in me hands when she sees and hears me strum the harp ...

[Bob Bull]

.......and so with a twinkle in his eye, and a song in his heart, and with a flourish of his bubble wrap, our hero strolled casually inot the boudoir of the recumbent Giantess. A gentle snore shook the castle to it's foundations.

"Oh! My Gawd!" sighed Jack, "What's the Mis's doing 'ere." Before realsing that it was not his beloved sleeping so peacfully in the Giant Bed, but was in fact the dreaded ESSEX GIRL of legend Aunt Lindy.

What a dilemma. Would a quick strum be enough to get her to succumb to his advances, or would he have to pop a few bubbles to turn her head, anyway.
Where was the Golden Harp - realising too late the Bob the Elf had directed him to the Harpy instead of the magical golden instrument he so desired - the harp itself.

"Wait 'til I get my 'ands on the little perisher." He muttered sotto voce, but still loud enough to rouse the sleeping figure in the giant bed.

"Why, look who's here." she said. "Don't be shy Old Man, come a little closer let me see what you have got for me. I do hope you can satis.......

How will our hero escape the consequences of his own folly

[Mary Lindsay]

... luckily for Jack the person in the bed was not Aunt Lindy but Adriana van der Krash.
"Oh Gawd," quoth Jack, "Wot on earf are you doin' 'ere?"
"The same as you my friend," said the cheery Dutch person, "I seek the Giant's harp."
"Blimey, can't no one keep a secret, I bet that boy of mine has been blabbing me secrets," said Jack irritably.
"It is common knowledge on the Twitter and blogosphere"' said Adriana knowledgeably.
That's all double Dutch to me me old China" said Jack.
"Make up you mind, am I Dutch or Chinese?" asked Adriana, looking puzzled.
At that moment....

[Bob Bull]

At that moment....

[

The door burst open to reveal the Banesof-Milife Family a famous string quartet, although well known to be one fiddle short of a full set.

" We thought you might wish to serenade the gorgeous Adriana, and knowing that singing is not your greatest talent, and could well Sapp your strength, we have come along to provide a malodorous, or is that melodious accompaniment to your efforts." They cried.

"Well thank the good Lawd fer that." Said Jack. "Do you know the Green, Green Grass of Home, or Climb Every Mountain or maybe Three Coins in a Fountain? We could raise the Rafters with a rousing version of Burry me Not on The Lone Prairie, perhaps we could try that old Country and Western number John Henry.

At the threat of Jack actually singing the terrified Adriana turned white on one side, "Roger that she whispered, do you mind if I just POTTER about, while you excercise your tonsils?"

"You Potter on luv'" Said Jack Gallantly. "But may I Plant a kiss on your rosie red cheek before I start?"

"Oh! Don't keep harping on dearie." she leered. "You 'ave quite plucked on my 'eart strings enough already, and stirred feelings in me bosom like what I 'ave never know afore. C'me 'ere you saucy monkey."

All the while Aunt Lindy, hidden in the wardrobe, continued to cast her spell on the hapless Barnet Barrer Boy.

How can our hero remain faithful to his trouble and strife, grab the Gilt strummer, and make good his getaway?

Can he reach the magic 201 posts before Christmas day arrives? Will any of the slackers come to our aid? Will Pilip get a grip on unreality and add to the sum total of his, so far, pathetic efforts?

All will be revealed in the fullness of time........................

[jack bellinger]

Help I need advice from the Doc Laiddown or the Vet Phip Goodenite ..I dont know how I am going to this up any longer.